What Is Friend??

How the hell should I know! I have been mislead and misguided by so many people in the last year, that my definition of what a 'friend' is supposed to be must be what the problem really is.
I have always been under the impression that when one is truly a friend they never walk away, not completley. They always give the benfit of the doubt, to the friend, never another source.
What is a friend, I am still waiting to find the answer to that tricky question. It falls right along side the question, what are we doing here? What does it all mean, and my personal favorite, is there such a thing, as a soul mate?
Unfortunatley I do believe that we are destined to one other person, but what lifetime we are in when we find them, that I haven't figure out yet.
I am at a loss as to what the answer is to the rest of the questions... I guess for some that makes life more intereting, not for me.

What Is Friend??

How the hell should I know! I have been mislead and misguided by so many people in the last year, that my definition of what a 'friend' is supposed to be must be what the problem really is.
I have always been under the impression that when one is truly a friend they never walk away, not completley. They always give the benfit of the doubt, to the friend, never another source.
What is a friend, I am still waiting to find the answer to that tricky question. It falls right along side the question, what are we doing here? What does it all mean, and my personal favorite, is there such a thing, as a soul mate?
Unfortunatley I do believe that we are destined to one other person, but what lifetime we are in when we find them, that I haven't figure out yet.
I am at a loss as to what the answer is to the rest of the questions... I guess for some that makes life more intereting, not for me.

My Story

So the story seems to never change, just the players. Faces and names are different but I know that I have lived this life before, and if I am doing it again then I must have screwed something up the first time around. So what can I do different this time? What can I do to make sure that this time around, I am not the one that walks the other way? I have always been the one, now whenever the urge strikes me there is this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. Its like someone's in there with a hook, wrapped around my stomach muscles. Every now and then when I think the wrong way, he tugs, not hard but enough to let me know that I should be doing something differently.
So Montreal was a disaster, the only thing that was accomplished was me getting hurt, G getting hurt. Tears and sadness, lots of anger. I made a decision when I was there, maybe it was mom talking to me, maybe it was my heart. I looked into G's eyes, and knew that I had to see this through, no matter what the outcome is. I have to know, and if I leave, I never will know the end of the story. That drives me up a wall.
I want so badly to just step off this roller coaster, but I fear if I do that I may be running into nothing. I keep thinking to myself that I am wrong, that everyone is wrong about how he feels, but the one thing is, what if were not wrong. What if he loves me like I love him? What if he is just truly that afraid of losing me? What if that's what stands between us? If I don't keep myself in front of him, keep showing him that I am still standing here, that no matter what I will be beside him. If I don’t do that maybe that's why I will never have him.

I want to know him, more than that I want to love him openly. He knows but I want to look at him and say it. I want him to hold me when I go to sleep, when I am happy, when I am sad. I want his face to be the first thing I see, not just the first thing I think about. I want to share all the good things that this plane of existence can throw my way, our way. I want to be there when life throws him a curve, that he needs me would be like heaven. To hear him say that, would be like listening to angels sing(corny I know) I guess going against everything that I know, everything that I have always done is the challenge. It's the way I learn that this is what I want, that he is worth the fight. That the battle may be long, and there will be wounded, but that he and I will be the victors. We will walk away scared, bruised and battered, but we will walk away together.

That much I know for certain.

I Walked Away

Surprisingly enough after everything that has gone on in recent months, I finally decided that I was going to walkaway. He said that I could at any time and he wouldn't follow me, that he would let me.. He didn't let me...
Tonight I walked away, I returned the last few things of his that where in my car, and the without saying anything I walked away. He called out to me and I said " Everything's great" and kept walking... I did pause for a moment at the door, then walked to my car, with the knowledge that I had walked away clean, after all from his own mouth, he wouldn't follow.

He did. He came right out to the car, knocked on my window, and with a tone I have never heard before asked me "What the hell is up?"
I said nothing everything was fine, he said "Bullshit!"
I was shocked that he was standing there, that was the absolute last thing I expected from him. I thought, wrongly, that he would just let me go. So when he told me to get out of the car and " lets go upstairs" I actually just turned off my car, got out of it and went upstairs.

I then proceeded to cry for about 3hours, straight. He just sat there, and waited for me to speak. When I did, it was mostly about my mom, but it was about how I have been feeling latley. How I feel that he and others in my life have been treating me, what people are expecting of me.. That NO he can't fix me, that I AM NOT broken, damaged maybe, but not broken.. I was in need of time, and friendship, that there was this large hole between us, and I wanted it filled and needed his help. That I needed time. To heal me. Patience, trust and love. I forgot to say those things to him. I think that if I speak to him tomorrow, that I may mention that as well.

Patience, trust and love, it sounds like a good motto to live by. I think that I am going to try and adopt it as mine..

But for the record , and for all the world to know, I did walk away. I have had enough, but he wouldn't let me. What does that say? About me? About him? We're nuts is the only thing I can come up with..

Consistent Constradiction

These damn things are always so hard to name, what do you call a place that you rant and rant and rave some more! This here is my place, but at the same time I am always aware that others read this. Others that may be hurt, or bothered by what I may say, or what I may not say..
These past few months have been like living someone eles's life. They have shown me, the reasons that I keep my heart where it is, but it also has shown me the reason why I want to not keep it hidden away.. Latley I have never been so confused and anger at one person in my life, and the crazy part of that is, it's because this person hides better than me. They lie, to the worst person they could, themselves.

I called him a consistent contradiction , because that's what he is..the worst part is that he is the only one that is either unwilling to admit, afraid to admit or just doesn't know yet how he feels, about anything.

I have recently admitted to myself that he means a great deal to me, and that in itself is a big deal. After I have had sometime to think about things , I realize that what he said on that Saturday morning 2 months ago, rings even truer now.
HE IS AFRAID.
He said he was afraid that if anything happened he would lose me. He was afraid of soemthing called "the girlfriend syndrome", where he would eventually stop talking to me about things,(well, thats already happening, and nothing has happened between us9at least not physical) and in doing that he would screw things up, that somehow our friendship would be the casuality of that screw-up. I wonder if he believes that because I can seem very unforgiving, that maybe that's an issue as well. I know that he is attracted to me, besides admitting it, I know.(You don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure out when a man is getting aroused, now do you)

If he reads this, I fear his reaction, if he doesn't I fear mine. We will always be friends and I have no idea how to keep that in his mind(or mine)If we where to go on body language, his says one thing(and no, I don't mean the wrestling, although that is something all together different, sexual tension) but just the way he is around me, around others. The reason people we don't even know, think we're married. The reason people we do know, think we should be together(a couple,not married(don't be freakin me out now, this is my blog!)
If we go on what he say's, now that would depend on how much time he has had to think about what he is going to say. If you catch him off gaurd, he says one thing, time to think, he says something else. I don't think that he does it intentionally, but he does do it.

The truth is I wonder if he thinks that I feel the way I do because I am trying to fill a void in my life? This could never happen. No one could or would ever fill the missing part of me. Besides that I felt most of these feelings before mom passed away, not after. They just got stronger, mostly I think because I got to know him better. I worry that he may think otherwise, but I am tired of talking about how I feel, and getting no further ahead..

Sad days to come.....

Today was a sad day, even though I tried everything I could think of, nothing made it feel better. My nieces made it bareable, just.
I had to see some old family friends that I haven't seen since November last year, I can't believe even that was a year ago. Rick was one of my mom's bestfriends, and seeing him today was like being kicked in the chest with a sledgehammer. I didn't think it would hurt that much, but now I really know why I have avoided all family, except immediate. Even seeing them some days is hard, not because I don't love them to death, but because sometimes, all I see is my mom in them. And it hurts.

A friends mother told me a few days ago, that she lost her father when she was young, so she understood how I felt, and the great part was she did. When she told me that she thought I haven't grieved for the lose of my mom, I thought how crazy is that. But since that night, I have found that I am thinking more about my mom, and wanting to finally start talking about those last few nights, not just little pieces but the whole thing. I just don't know who to talk too. I want to fall apart, be a giant mess, and not worry about anything. I can't seem to allow myself that. I am my own worst enemy. I hold me back.. NO one else, just me.

My mom loved Halloween. Even last year when she was starting to get really sick, she went out trick'r treating with me,Kimber & Lauryn. Maybe in her heart she knew it was the last and she wanted to share it with us. I remember when I was young, and Halloween would be getting close, and she would always be more excited than us. She would have a costume for handing out candy, or for going door to door, and then another for the Halloween party that she would attend. I always remember that no matter what she could whip you upa costume in 20 secs flat. She did it one year with bath mates, some shoe polish and her imagination. She was the Magiever of Halloween.

I hope that we can keep that alive for the girls. I will try, so I know will thier mom, who also loves this night..

If there every was a night that we could talk to our loved ones, this is the night...

What would happen..

I am wondering what would happen if I just let the filter I live with fall apart. I think to myself why should I stop myself from saying what is really on my mind. Why do I care what bothers others, why should I ? That's the question I need to answer, do I really care, will I really hurt anyone with what I have to say, or will I just feel relieved? I am in a constant state of worry, did I say the right thing, did I do the right thing? Was that the wrong way to turn or was it the right? Should I go left, right or straight up the middle??????
I am plaqued with concerns and worries that when I am alone and crying, the thoughts then seem idiotic in there mere structure. When I sit alone and think, things always seem to make the most sense to me. I understand things better, everyone around me, makes more sense, the world and the reasons for it make sense. When I get around people, I feel like I am obliged to keep how I truely feel, or what I honestly think to myself... Why? Would anything that I have to say make any real difference in thier lives? Would any action that I take really change the way they do things?Would telling the truth, change anything? See that indicates a belief that I have control over what they are doing in the first place, and I have none.
I sometimes wish that I had some control, then I don't. I would rather have those around me have thier free will, make thier own decisions, no outside sources to consider, but that's not reality. Reality is that someone else is always trying to pull strings.
Not me, not anymore..

I so want to believe in something again, someone. I feel defeated, tossed aside by fate, forgotten by destiny. Even though these feelings are strong, I can't seem to let go, of my HOPE, that everything will be okay. That eventually all things will find thier place, including me. I want so badly to not say a word, but just cry until I fall asleep. But when I cry I feel even lonlier, how silly is that.

Today I spent the day taking care of my nieces, and all I could think of was this is a great life. They are beautiful, smart funny little people, and in thier presence I feel like I want my own, someday. I think that I would be a good mom. Like mine. Was..

My Place.....

This little statment has been eating away at me for days. Not too many people will not understand why, these two little words so irk me. I had someone tell me recently that I had better "know my place..." Wrong chick to say that too... however, the whole evening after hearing this, all I could hear in my ear was my mom. She would always tell me that I was the bigger person, and that I would show people that I was classier, more lady like & mature if I let it slide off. I could actually hear her, for those few that don't know, my mom, my bestfriend, my hero, past away almost 6 months ago. Since then I have been struggling with a whole slew of emotional issues, and with no one to help me deal with them, at least no one I feel safe enough with..
I do have someone who seems to want to help, but I just can't let him. I want too, very much, but things are confusing for me, not him though, he seems to be pretty certain about things. (and yes I know that you may be reading this, but this is my ranting grounds)
These two words where like being slapped in the face, because I know my place, I know exactly where that is. I know where I am supposed to be, and what I am supposed to be doing. It's those around me, that seem confused on that topic.
This weekend I went away with a friend,(and thats a whole other blog called "things we should be aware of, before we make an ass of ourselves") for a few reasons I went, even though, my family thought it was not a good idea,they may have been right. Mostly I went to meet his friends, and it was a disaster. We went 4 days and said maybe 20 words to each other, it was awful. I have only felt that alone one other time, May 6.. I know that I am to blame for all the issues that he and I have. Or should I just say I have. But he is unusual and makes hiding my feelings and putting them as far away as I can, almost impossible. A part of me wants to push the feelings as far away as my soul can reach, the other part wants to leave everything as is. Then there is the middle, the grey area, that sees things in a different, kinda warped way, and latley, that darker way, seems like maybe the best way. I feel like I have no escape, no where to turn, like I am beating myself over the heart and head with a lead pipe thats covered in glass shards.
I am completely incapable, of being one sided with this, and I was so hurt by the little witches statment, that the evil side of me started to show through. I don't want to become that person, but I can only be pushed so far. My mom's voice is only so loud..

Reason sometimes escapes logic, and we are only left with raw emotions. These can take us far from where we started, on a journey that we are not prepared to take, but that may change our lives, forever

Today

This last few days, or weeks I have been in a constant state of srewed. I am screwed if I am honest and I am screwed if I bullshit my way forward. I thought that I knew all the pieces to the puzzle, that I had all the information, and I was so wrong. Now I am trying to rethink things, that used to make sense. I am now looking at things differently, the people around me in a new light. I would never judge someone on how they feel, or what they feel, but, I have no one to help me figure out my feelings. At least not without being, or at least feeling like I am, wrong somehow..

I have this list in my head that I think I need to get out... it will make no sense to anyone(well at least almost anyone) But I fear the reactions and fall out of actually writing them down, but I must say, as I look at my mom's picture, the hell with FEAR. We have only to fear that which is unknown, and I know what I want, and what I truely fear.

Reasons for;
no one drives me crazier and stays around
I can't sdo it, I thought I could write it out, but things that happened this past weekend have put a stalemate on my thinking. On my emotions. My brain is like a giant sponge, except that I can't seem to wring out the information once its there.