My Place.....

This little statment has been eating away at me for days. Not too many people will not understand why, these two little words so irk me. I had someone tell me recently that I had better "know my place..." Wrong chick to say that too... however, the whole evening after hearing this, all I could hear in my ear was my mom. She would always tell me that I was the bigger person, and that I would show people that I was classier, more lady like & mature if I let it slide off. I could actually hear her, for those few that don't know, my mom, my bestfriend, my hero, past away almost 6 months ago. Since then I have been struggling with a whole slew of emotional issues, and with no one to help me deal with them, at least no one I feel safe enough with..
I do have someone who seems to want to help, but I just can't let him. I want too, very much, but things are confusing for me, not him though, he seems to be pretty certain about things. (and yes I know that you may be reading this, but this is my ranting grounds)
These two words where like being slapped in the face, because I know my place, I know exactly where that is. I know where I am supposed to be, and what I am supposed to be doing. It's those around me, that seem confused on that topic.
This weekend I went away with a friend,(and thats a whole other blog called "things we should be aware of, before we make an ass of ourselves") for a few reasons I went, even though, my family thought it was not a good idea,they may have been right. Mostly I went to meet his friends, and it was a disaster. We went 4 days and said maybe 20 words to each other, it was awful. I have only felt that alone one other time, May 6.. I know that I am to blame for all the issues that he and I have. Or should I just say I have. But he is unusual and makes hiding my feelings and putting them as far away as I can, almost impossible. A part of me wants to push the feelings as far away as my soul can reach, the other part wants to leave everything as is. Then there is the middle, the grey area, that sees things in a different, kinda warped way, and latley, that darker way, seems like maybe the best way. I feel like I have no escape, no where to turn, like I am beating myself over the heart and head with a lead pipe thats covered in glass shards.
I am completely incapable, of being one sided with this, and I was so hurt by the little witches statment, that the evil side of me started to show through. I don't want to become that person, but I can only be pushed so far. My mom's voice is only so loud..

Reason sometimes escapes logic, and we are only left with raw emotions. These can take us far from where we started, on a journey that we are not prepared to take, but that may change our lives, forever