Sad days to come.....
Today was a sad day, even though I tried everything I could think of, nothing made it feel better. My nieces made it bareable, just.
I had to see some old family friends that I haven't seen since November last year, I can't believe even that was a year ago. Rick was one of my mom's bestfriends, and seeing him today was like being kicked in the chest with a sledgehammer. I didn't think it would hurt that much, but now I really know why I have avoided all family, except immediate. Even seeing them some days is hard, not because I don't love them to death, but because sometimes, all I see is my mom in them. And it hurts.
A friends mother told me a few days ago, that she lost her father when she was young, so she understood how I felt, and the great part was she did. When she told me that she thought I haven't grieved for the lose of my mom, I thought how crazy is that. But since that night, I have found that I am thinking more about my mom, and wanting to finally start talking about those last few nights, not just little pieces but the whole thing. I just don't know who to talk too. I want to fall apart, be a giant mess, and not worry about anything. I can't seem to allow myself that. I am my own worst enemy. I hold me back.. NO one else, just me.
My mom loved Halloween. Even last year when she was starting to get really sick, she went out trick'r treating with me,Kimber & Lauryn. Maybe in her heart she knew it was the last and she wanted to share it with us. I remember when I was young, and Halloween would be getting close, and she would always be more excited than us. She would have a costume for handing out candy, or for going door to door, and then another for the Halloween party that she would attend. I always remember that no matter what she could whip you upa costume in 20 secs flat. She did it one year with bath mates, some shoe polish and her imagination. She was the Magiever of Halloween.
I hope that we can keep that alive for the girls. I will try, so I know will thier mom, who also loves this night..
If there every was a night that we could talk to our loved ones, this is the night...
I had to see some old family friends that I haven't seen since November last year, I can't believe even that was a year ago. Rick was one of my mom's bestfriends, and seeing him today was like being kicked in the chest with a sledgehammer. I didn't think it would hurt that much, but now I really know why I have avoided all family, except immediate. Even seeing them some days is hard, not because I don't love them to death, but because sometimes, all I see is my mom in them. And it hurts.
A friends mother told me a few days ago, that she lost her father when she was young, so she understood how I felt, and the great part was she did. When she told me that she thought I haven't grieved for the lose of my mom, I thought how crazy is that. But since that night, I have found that I am thinking more about my mom, and wanting to finally start talking about those last few nights, not just little pieces but the whole thing. I just don't know who to talk too. I want to fall apart, be a giant mess, and not worry about anything. I can't seem to allow myself that. I am my own worst enemy. I hold me back.. NO one else, just me.
My mom loved Halloween. Even last year when she was starting to get really sick, she went out trick'r treating with me,Kimber & Lauryn. Maybe in her heart she knew it was the last and she wanted to share it with us. I remember when I was young, and Halloween would be getting close, and she would always be more excited than us. She would have a costume for handing out candy, or for going door to door, and then another for the Halloween party that she would attend. I always remember that no matter what she could whip you upa costume in 20 secs flat. She did it one year with bath mates, some shoe polish and her imagination. She was the Magiever of Halloween.
I hope that we can keep that alive for the girls. I will try, so I know will thier mom, who also loves this night..
If there every was a night that we could talk to our loved ones, this is the night...
posted by Hope at
10/30/2005
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