I Walked Away
Surprisingly enough after everything that has gone on in recent months, I finally decided that I was going to walkaway. He said that I could at any time and he wouldn't follow me, that he would let me.. He didn't let me...
Tonight I walked away, I returned the last few things of his that where in my car, and the without saying anything I walked away. He called out to me and I said " Everything's great" and kept walking... I did pause for a moment at the door, then walked to my car, with the knowledge that I had walked away clean, after all from his own mouth, he wouldn't follow.
He did. He came right out to the car, knocked on my window, and with a tone I have never heard before asked me "What the hell is up?"
I said nothing everything was fine, he said "Bullshit!"
I was shocked that he was standing there, that was the absolute last thing I expected from him. I thought, wrongly, that he would just let me go. So when he told me to get out of the car and " lets go upstairs" I actually just turned off my car, got out of it and went upstairs.
I then proceeded to cry for about 3hours, straight. He just sat there, and waited for me to speak. When I did, it was mostly about my mom, but it was about how I have been feeling latley. How I feel that he and others in my life have been treating me, what people are expecting of me.. That NO he can't fix me, that I AM NOT broken, damaged maybe, but not broken.. I was in need of time, and friendship, that there was this large hole between us, and I wanted it filled and needed his help. That I needed time. To heal me. Patience, trust and love. I forgot to say those things to him. I think that if I speak to him tomorrow, that I may mention that as well.
Patience, trust and love, it sounds like a good motto to live by. I think that I am going to try and adopt it as mine..
But for the record , and for all the world to know, I did walk away. I have had enough, but he wouldn't let me. What does that say? About me? About him? We're nuts is the only thing I can come up with..
Tonight I walked away, I returned the last few things of his that where in my car, and the without saying anything I walked away. He called out to me and I said " Everything's great" and kept walking... I did pause for a moment at the door, then walked to my car, with the knowledge that I had walked away clean, after all from his own mouth, he wouldn't follow.
He did. He came right out to the car, knocked on my window, and with a tone I have never heard before asked me "What the hell is up?"
I said nothing everything was fine, he said "Bullshit!"
I was shocked that he was standing there, that was the absolute last thing I expected from him. I thought, wrongly, that he would just let me go. So when he told me to get out of the car and " lets go upstairs" I actually just turned off my car, got out of it and went upstairs.
I then proceeded to cry for about 3hours, straight. He just sat there, and waited for me to speak. When I did, it was mostly about my mom, but it was about how I have been feeling latley. How I feel that he and others in my life have been treating me, what people are expecting of me.. That NO he can't fix me, that I AM NOT broken, damaged maybe, but not broken.. I was in need of time, and friendship, that there was this large hole between us, and I wanted it filled and needed his help. That I needed time. To heal me. Patience, trust and love. I forgot to say those things to him. I think that if I speak to him tomorrow, that I may mention that as well.
Patience, trust and love, it sounds like a good motto to live by. I think that I am going to try and adopt it as mine..
But for the record , and for all the world to know, I did walk away. I have had enough, but he wouldn't let me. What does that say? About me? About him? We're nuts is the only thing I can come up with..
posted by Hope at
12/05/2005
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