My Story
So the story seems to never change, just the players. Faces and names are different but I know that I have lived this life before, and if I am doing it again then I must have screwed something up the first time around. So what can I do different this time? What can I do to make sure that this time around, I am not the one that walks the other way? I have always been the one, now whenever the urge strikes me there is this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. Its like someone's in there with a hook, wrapped around my stomach muscles. Every now and then when I think the wrong way, he tugs, not hard but enough to let me know that I should be doing something differently.
So Montreal was a disaster, the only thing that was accomplished was me getting hurt, G getting hurt. Tears and sadness, lots of anger. I made a decision when I was there, maybe it was mom talking to me, maybe it was my heart. I looked into G's eyes, and knew that I had to see this through, no matter what the outcome is. I have to know, and if I leave, I never will know the end of the story. That drives me up a wall.
I want so badly to just step off this roller coaster, but I fear if I do that I may be running into nothing. I keep thinking to myself that I am wrong, that everyone is wrong about how he feels, but the one thing is, what if were not wrong. What if he loves me like I love him? What if he is just truly that afraid of losing me? What if that's what stands between us? If I don't keep myself in front of him, keep showing him that I am still standing here, that no matter what I will be beside him. If I don’t do that maybe that's why I will never have him.
I want to know him, more than that I want to love him openly. He knows but I want to look at him and say it. I want him to hold me when I go to sleep, when I am happy, when I am sad. I want his face to be the first thing I see, not just the first thing I think about. I want to share all the good things that this plane of existence can throw my way, our way. I want to be there when life throws him a curve, that he needs me would be like heaven. To hear him say that, would be like listening to angels sing(corny I know) I guess going against everything that I know, everything that I have always done is the challenge. It's the way I learn that this is what I want, that he is worth the fight. That the battle may be long, and there will be wounded, but that he and I will be the victors. We will walk away scared, bruised and battered, but we will walk away together.
That much I know for certain.
So Montreal was a disaster, the only thing that was accomplished was me getting hurt, G getting hurt. Tears and sadness, lots of anger. I made a decision when I was there, maybe it was mom talking to me, maybe it was my heart. I looked into G's eyes, and knew that I had to see this through, no matter what the outcome is. I have to know, and if I leave, I never will know the end of the story. That drives me up a wall.
I want so badly to just step off this roller coaster, but I fear if I do that I may be running into nothing. I keep thinking to myself that I am wrong, that everyone is wrong about how he feels, but the one thing is, what if were not wrong. What if he loves me like I love him? What if he is just truly that afraid of losing me? What if that's what stands between us? If I don't keep myself in front of him, keep showing him that I am still standing here, that no matter what I will be beside him. If I don’t do that maybe that's why I will never have him.
I want to know him, more than that I want to love him openly. He knows but I want to look at him and say it. I want him to hold me when I go to sleep, when I am happy, when I am sad. I want his face to be the first thing I see, not just the first thing I think about. I want to share all the good things that this plane of existence can throw my way, our way. I want to be there when life throws him a curve, that he needs me would be like heaven. To hear him say that, would be like listening to angels sing(corny I know) I guess going against everything that I know, everything that I have always done is the challenge. It's the way I learn that this is what I want, that he is worth the fight. That the battle may be long, and there will be wounded, but that he and I will be the victors. We will walk away scared, bruised and battered, but we will walk away together.
That much I know for certain.
posted by Hope at
1/19/2006
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