What would happen..

I am wondering what would happen if I just let the filter I live with fall apart. I think to myself why should I stop myself from saying what is really on my mind. Why do I care what bothers others, why should I ? That's the question I need to answer, do I really care, will I really hurt anyone with what I have to say, or will I just feel relieved? I am in a constant state of worry, did I say the right thing, did I do the right thing? Was that the wrong way to turn or was it the right? Should I go left, right or straight up the middle??????
I am plaqued with concerns and worries that when I am alone and crying, the thoughts then seem idiotic in there mere structure. When I sit alone and think, things always seem to make the most sense to me. I understand things better, everyone around me, makes more sense, the world and the reasons for it make sense. When I get around people, I feel like I am obliged to keep how I truely feel, or what I honestly think to myself... Why? Would anything that I have to say make any real difference in thier lives? Would any action that I take really change the way they do things?Would telling the truth, change anything? See that indicates a belief that I have control over what they are doing in the first place, and I have none.
I sometimes wish that I had some control, then I don't. I would rather have those around me have thier free will, make thier own decisions, no outside sources to consider, but that's not reality. Reality is that someone else is always trying to pull strings.
Not me, not anymore..

I so want to believe in something again, someone. I feel defeated, tossed aside by fate, forgotten by destiny. Even though these feelings are strong, I can't seem to let go, of my HOPE, that everything will be okay. That eventually all things will find thier place, including me. I want so badly to not say a word, but just cry until I fall asleep. But when I cry I feel even lonlier, how silly is that.

Today I spent the day taking care of my nieces, and all I could think of was this is a great life. They are beautiful, smart funny little people, and in thier presence I feel like I want my own, someday. I think that I would be a good mom. Like mine. Was..

My Place.....

This little statment has been eating away at me for days. Not too many people will not understand why, these two little words so irk me. I had someone tell me recently that I had better "know my place..." Wrong chick to say that too... however, the whole evening after hearing this, all I could hear in my ear was my mom. She would always tell me that I was the bigger person, and that I would show people that I was classier, more lady like & mature if I let it slide off. I could actually hear her, for those few that don't know, my mom, my bestfriend, my hero, past away almost 6 months ago. Since then I have been struggling with a whole slew of emotional issues, and with no one to help me deal with them, at least no one I feel safe enough with..
I do have someone who seems to want to help, but I just can't let him. I want too, very much, but things are confusing for me, not him though, he seems to be pretty certain about things. (and yes I know that you may be reading this, but this is my ranting grounds)
These two words where like being slapped in the face, because I know my place, I know exactly where that is. I know where I am supposed to be, and what I am supposed to be doing. It's those around me, that seem confused on that topic.
This weekend I went away with a friend,(and thats a whole other blog called "things we should be aware of, before we make an ass of ourselves") for a few reasons I went, even though, my family thought it was not a good idea,they may have been right. Mostly I went to meet his friends, and it was a disaster. We went 4 days and said maybe 20 words to each other, it was awful. I have only felt that alone one other time, May 6.. I know that I am to blame for all the issues that he and I have. Or should I just say I have. But he is unusual and makes hiding my feelings and putting them as far away as I can, almost impossible. A part of me wants to push the feelings as far away as my soul can reach, the other part wants to leave everything as is. Then there is the middle, the grey area, that sees things in a different, kinda warped way, and latley, that darker way, seems like maybe the best way. I feel like I have no escape, no where to turn, like I am beating myself over the heart and head with a lead pipe thats covered in glass shards.
I am completely incapable, of being one sided with this, and I was so hurt by the little witches statment, that the evil side of me started to show through. I don't want to become that person, but I can only be pushed so far. My mom's voice is only so loud..

Reason sometimes escapes logic, and we are only left with raw emotions. These can take us far from where we started, on a journey that we are not prepared to take, but that may change our lives, forever

Today

This last few days, or weeks I have been in a constant state of srewed. I am screwed if I am honest and I am screwed if I bullshit my way forward. I thought that I knew all the pieces to the puzzle, that I had all the information, and I was so wrong. Now I am trying to rethink things, that used to make sense. I am now looking at things differently, the people around me in a new light. I would never judge someone on how they feel, or what they feel, but, I have no one to help me figure out my feelings. At least not without being, or at least feeling like I am, wrong somehow..

I have this list in my head that I think I need to get out... it will make no sense to anyone(well at least almost anyone) But I fear the reactions and fall out of actually writing them down, but I must say, as I look at my mom's picture, the hell with FEAR. We have only to fear that which is unknown, and I know what I want, and what I truely fear.

Reasons for;
no one drives me crazier and stays around
I can't sdo it, I thought I could write it out, but things that happened this past weekend have put a stalemate on my thinking. On my emotions. My brain is like a giant sponge, except that I can't seem to wring out the information once its there.